Weekend Warp for April 1, 2011

Figments from our imaginary world of photography

Backside-Irrigated Sensors: The Latest Low-Light Photography Sensation

A dramatic advance in the annals of image sensor technology has been announced by Sue-Me corporation. The company's new sensors feature Backside Irrigated Sensors (BS), which they claim can take perfectly clear, detailed and accurate photos in complete darkness, with an ISO range from 100 to 1,000,000,080. How do they do it? Each pixel is irrigated from behind by a microscopic-sized bidet, cooling the sensor site to avoid overheating. A fine mist dissipates almost instantly thanks to powerful microscopic fans, protecting the sensitive electronics from water damage. This is called "blow-it-out-your-aspect-ratio" cooling. Sue-Me claims this technology works even better than Back Side-Illuminated Sensors. Independent tests show that Backside Irrigated Sensors work so well in low light that you can take your BS sensor camera and stick it where the sun don't shine.

Amazing low-light photo captured by BS Sensor pre-production camera.

Camera Collectors Marvel at Newly-Discovered Talking Miranda

The Miranda SLR brand, which roamed the earth in the 60s and 70s, were known for creative features and commercial failure. Camera collectors around the world are buzzing about the  recently-discovered Miranda Talker, an SLR that was made in a limited edition for police photographers. Every time you hit the shutter release, the camera said, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.”  The camera  then played the theme from “Dragnet.”

Economic Downturn Renders Prints by Adams, Cartier-Bresson, Winnogrand, others Worthless

Economic woes have hit the collectable photography world hard, according to former used car dealer and photo collector Barney Madoff, whose collection of prints by Adams, Cartier-Bresson, Winogrand and others have been devalued to the point where they are not even worth the value of the paper they're printed on. “I'm disappointed that my collection of photos by Wally Cartier-Bresson, Harry Adams, and Barry Winogrand simply aren't selling. I paid thousands for each of these. You would think such recognizable names would maintain their value.” Madoff is not totally discouraged, though. “I may be able to get a few bucks for the frames on eBay,” he said as looked longingly at one of his worthless Biff Callahan originals.

A worthless Barry Winogrand photo from his “Airport Bathroom” series. Photo © The Trash Can of Barry Winogrand. This shot, however, may be worth a few pennies.


Which is better—Nikon or Canon?

Pro photographers have been debating the relative merits of Nikon and Canon DSLR systems for years. In the following exclusive video, two industry experts eloquently debate this issue, and come up with the final, unambiguous answer. They also agree to disagree about Mac vs. Windows:


Street Photographer Beaten To Death By Mob Of Angry Pedestrians

A street photographer was attacked by a crowd of pedestrians while taking pictures in New York's Times Square this week and beaten to death while police just stood there taking pictures with their cell phones. The body of the photographer, whose name has not been released pending notification of his rep, was paraded around the city by the angry mob, which consisted of tourists, office workers, anti-war protesters, panhandlers, circus acrobats, and a random guy with a pet monkey. Many in the crowd were holding pitchforks and torches. A sign reading “this is the fate of anyone who dares take pictures without asking, because he is probably a terrorist or pedophile and besides, this guy probably killed Princess Diana” was hung over his Leica. “Hey, the dude deserved it. He should have asked first,” said the monkey. "Besides, I could take better pictures."


Final frame found on Leica M9 that was pried from attacked street photographer's cold, dead fingers.

Industry Pessimistic about new “Single-Use Sensor” Cameras

It is uncertain whether digital camera makers will embrace Kadok's new “Single-Use Sensor” system, which the US-based company says represents “the future of photography.” The system is based on individual sensors made of silver-halide crystals on a strip of cellulose. There will be 24 or 36 sensors on each strip, which must be kept in complete darkness. One of the digital camera industry's objections is the extensive, messy post-processing, which also must be done in darkness and requires the sensors to be immersed in a sequence of chemicals. “Why the heck did we invent Photoshop, then?” comments a peeved Adobe spokesperson. The advantage of the technology is that the resolution is triple that of the highest-resolution reusable digital sensor, and the dynamic range is doubled. Special cameras must be made to accommodate the Single-Use Sensors. Exakta has agreed to produce the first cameras to conform to the Single Use Sensor standard.

Number of News Parodies Presenting Film as a New Digital Technology up 100% Today

A survey of photo industry news parodies released five seconds ago shows the number of news spoofs pretending that film was a new digital technology that represents “the future of photography” is up 100% over last year. The Institute for Making Darn Sure Readers Know This Is A Parody and Not A Real News Article (IMDSRKTIAPANARNA) says “the lack of originality in these kinds of news parodies is stunning, really. You would think it's April Fool's day, or something. What is this—some kind of joke?”

Disclaimer: Is it really necessary to mention at this point that everything in the above "news" article is a parody, an April Fools spoof, and is completely untrue? Our lawyers say it couldn't hurt, but who cares what lawyers say, anyway.


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